Beyond Blue
by NettieC
Summary: This story deals with Depression. Please read Author's Notes at the beginning of the first chapter...Harm centred.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer: They are not mine…just playing.**_

_**Author's Notes:**_ _Depression is a major issue in Mental Health and our government's initiative to overcome this saw the inception of Beyond Blue (hence the title), an organisation which seeks to inform and educate us and de-stigmatise the condition. At the time I wrote this several leading sportsmen had gone public with their own difficulties with depression – clinical depression, as is highlighted in this story, as well as bipolar disorder. _

_If you have read any of my other stories you will know I am a HUGE fan of Harm's and this story is an attempt to reflect that depression can affect anyone, at anytime. If you are offended by this in anyway, I apologise and I ask you don't continue to read it. As always, these stories are fiction – some will like them more than others, you don't have to read things you don't like- that's the choice we have as readers_

_If you do suffer from depression, or any illness, I encourage you to seek assistance from your doctor, family & friends or from an organisation like Beyond Blue. There are avenues of assistance out there._

_Having said all that, I'll leave you in peace to read it._

_Thanks _

_Nettie_

**--------------------BEYOND BLUE --------------------**

**Chapter 1 of 6**

**Tuesday 2230**

**Roberts' Residence**

It had been a very long few weeks for Bud. Harriet was in the seventh month of her twin pregnancy and was exhausted and grumpy as a general rule. His evenings at home were busier than his days at work and he was feeling the full effects of his maximum four hours sleep a night.

On top of this he had become increasingly concerned about Commander Harmon Rabb. Over the last month or so Harm had become quite distant, in Bud's eyes. At first Bud thought it was something he had done or said. It was unusual for the Commander to decline dinner invitations from Harriet or days out with the boys. Lately, he had done both of these on numerous occasions, often giving no reason. At one stage Bud had gone into the Commander's office and tried to talk to him, to find out why their friendship had turned frosty and to seek a resolution but it had been to no avail. He left feeling more confused and anxious than before he went in.

That was the evening he sat down with Harriet and together they tried to figure things out. For all their talk and reasoning they could not pinpoint an event that had triggered the change.

"Perhaps it's not us," Harriet said finally, leaning back wearily against the kitchen chair.

"What do you mean?" asked Bud, moving so he could massage his wife's shoulders.

"Perhaps it's Harm," she said. Bud raised his eyebrows. "Well, Counsellor, look at the evidence. In the past two months the Commander has become increasingly withdrawn, he has begun to cut himself of from those close to him, he has lost weight and he's not really been sleeping that well, has he? I mean the times I've seen him he has looked pretty tired. Wouldn't you agree?"

"Yeah I would. Do you think he's unwell?" Bud asked quietly.

"I think it's a good guess but I …" she stopped herself, not really wanting to give voice to her own thoughts.

"You what, Sweetie?" he asked, keeping the pressure of the massage firm, yet tender.

"No I won't say it," she said, a slight shake of her head.

"Go on, please," Bud urged, knowing she'd have more insight than him.

"Just remember it's only a thought," she said guardedly.

"Okay," he nodded.

"Maybe it's not physical," she said with a sigh. "I mean the Commander has had a lot happen in his personal life lately, maybe he's just feeling a little blue."

"The Commander depressed, oh Sweetie, I don't know," said Bud, the thought never previously crossing his mind.

Bud sat a while and contemplated what his wife had said and the pieces began to fit into place, maybe it was a little more than what he had first thought.

**Friday 1425**

**JAG Headquarters**

It was the end of a particularly hectic week and Bud was looking forward to the upcoming weekend. Two days of putting the final touches on the nursery and, luckily for him, his in-laws were taking AJ and Jimmy for the weekend so he wouldn't have any little people underfoot. Bud filed away the last of his completed case files and looked in delight at his empty desk. It was a long time since he had been able to see the surface; such had been the frenetic pace of recent months.

He went out into the bullpen to return some reference materials when he caught a glimpse of the Commander in his office. It was obvious the Commander was not happy and Bud was undecided as to what he should do. Ideally, he thought, he should act like a friend and walk in and offer comfort but as a colleague, a junior one at that, he thought he should keep his distance. As the object of his attention slumped into his chair Bud's mind was made up. He knocked on the door and entered without waiting to be asked.

"Commander Rabb, do you have a minute?" he asked.

"No Bud, I don't," Harm replied not even bothering to look up. Bud wasn't dissuaded by the response. He shut the door and took a seat opposite the Commander. "Bud, I mean I really don't have time to…"

"I heard you, sir, but this is important," Bud said earnestly.

"Go ahead then," Harm said, finally looking up at him.

"Sir, what's happening with you?" he said directly.

Harm looked at Bud and then looked away. "Nothing Bud," he said unconvincingly.

"With all due respect, sir, I don't believe you."

Harm added nothing further and after a few minutes Bud left none the wiser.

**Friday 2015 **

**Roberts' Residence**

Bud had packed the two boys off with their grandparents and sent Harriet to bed early before settling into the study to watch his Star Trek DVDs. He had been waiting weeks to have the time to himself and was excited at the prospect of uninterrupted viewing. He opened a beer, hit play and eased himself into the recliner. The opening sequence was still playing when the doorbell rang. Quickly he got up to answer it, not wanting to disturb Harriet. It was Harm.

"Commander Rabb!" Bud said in surprise.

"Sorry to come over unannounced Bud. Am I interrupting anything?" he asked, nodding into the house.

"Just Star Trek, come on in." Bud ushered him into the house.

"If you're sure, I don't want to disturb you," Harm said quietly.

"I'm sure, come in, come in." Bud showed Harm into the study and then went to the kitchen to grab him a beer. When he returned Harm was staring out the window.

"Something out there, sir?" he asked.

"No Bud, I was just…Where's Harriet?" Harm countered.

"She's having an early night, sir," Bud explained, gesturing to the ceiling.

"Finding it tough going?" he asked.

"Yes sir but there's only two months to go," he replied.

"You're very lucky Bud."

"I know sir."

Harm took the offered beer and sat on the sofa. Bud returned to the recliner and stopped the DVD.

"Sir, anything I can do for you?" Bud said watching his friend intently.

"Call me Harm," Harm said, staring at the bottle in his hands.

"Anything I can do for you, Harm?" Bud asked.

"I need some advice, Bud." Bud was surprised; he couldn't remember the last time Harm had come to him for personal advice.

"Sure."

Harm took a mouthful of beer and placed the bottle on a coaster. He fiddled with a button on his jacket and then pulled off some fluff Bud couldn't see.

"Bud, do you remember the Tomlinson case?" he began slowly.

"Yeah, the Petty Officer you prosecuted for arson about two months ago. If I remember you got a conviction and he got 10-15 years," Bud recalled.

"That's the one," Harm sighed.

"Wasn't that also the one where he threatened you as they took him away?" he asked.

"Yeah, he said he was innocent, everything was my fault and if anything happened to him it would be on my head," Harm replied.

"So what happened?" Bud asked, studying Harm intently.

"He suicided last night," regret filled his voice.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Harm. Did he leave a note?" Bud asked quietly.

"Yep. It said he was innocent but life behind bars wasn't worth living and that it was my doing. He actually said he was killing himself because of me," Harm reported.

"Sir, Harm, I'm so sorry but you do know it's not your fault, don't you? You were doing your job. The evidence was there, the jury convicted him and the judge sentenced him," Bud said enthusiastically, trying to take the pain out of his friend's eyes.

"But what if he was really innocent and I am responsible for him dying?" Harm asked, something he hadn't wanted to contemplate.

"Harm, don't go there. In each case we do our best for our client, we can't afford to second guess every decision, we'd go mad," Bud said, rehashing the words Harm had shared with him when an early case of his had gone awry.

"But what if…" Harm began again.

"What if nothing. Did you act in accordance with military regulations?" Bud's voice was firm.

"Yes."

"Did you do the best for your client?"

"Yes."

"Did you have any doubts at the time?"

"No."

"Then you are not responsible. Do you hear me?"

"Yeah, I do."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**_Thanks to all who let me know their opinions about my stockpile of stories and future writing plans. I appreciate your comments and will take them on board. love Nettie xoxoxox_**


	2. Chapter 2

_**Disclaimer: They are not mine…just playing.**_

_**Author's Notes:**_ _Depression is a major issue in Mental Health and our government's initiative to overcome this saw the inception of Beyond Blue (hence the title), an organisation which seeks to inform and educate us and de-stigmatise the condition. At the time I wrote this several leading sportsmen had gone public with their own difficulties with depression – clinical depression, as is highlighted in this story, as well as bipolar disorder. _

_If you have read any of my other stories you will know I am a HUGE fan of Harm's and this story is an attempt to reflect that depression can affect anyone, at anytime. If you are offended by this in anyway, I apologise and I ask you don't continue to read it. As always, these stories are fiction – some will like them more than others, you don't have to read things you don't like- that's the choice we have as readers_

_If you do suffer from depression, or any illness, I encourage you to seek assistance from your doctor, family & friends or from an organisation like Beyond Blue. There are avenues of assistance out there._

_Having said all that, I'll leave you in peace to read it._

_Thanks _

_Nettie_

**Thought I'd leave the author's note in place…just in case. Thanks for the warm and supportive reviews and messages. I do appreciate it.**

**--------------------BEYOND BLUE --------------------**

**Monday 0630**

**JAG Headquarters**

Bud was surprised to see Harm at his desk when he arrived at work early on Monday morning. Harm was never in early. He knocked on the door and said good morning. It was instantly obvious that Harm had had very little sleep over the weekend.

"How are you feeling this morning, Harm?" Bud asked.

"Huh?" replied Harm looking up from his desk which was covered in files and reference books.

"I said how are you?" he repeated.

"Busy," Harm replied curtly.

"Anything I can do to help?" Bud offered.

"I'm just looking into the Tomlinson case," Harm explained, glancing up at Bud.

"Sir, I thought we…" he began.

"Back to sir I see," Harm noted, a slight smile on his weary face.

"_Harm_, I thought we discussed this. There is nothing more to this case," Bud said,

"You're right Bud. I've spent all weekend at it and there's nothing there. If I had the same case again I wouldn't do anything different," he said confidently.

"Glad to hear."

Still, by the end of the day Harm's demeanour had not improved. The Tomlinson matter had just been one in a long line of problems that had invaded his life. Sergei had gone back to Russia and there had been all the upheaval over Loren Singer's death. He hadn't really put the events of Paraguay behind him, just pushed them to the side. He hadn't come to terms with what Mac had said to him down there or her relationship with Webb. Whilst he had been glad to come back to JAG after his stint with the CIA he was struggling with the new Commanding Officer. Mattie had been a highlight in a bleak few years but she had returned to her father and he was on his own again.

Bud had watched as Harm chewed out a Petty Officer who hadn't passed on an unimportant phone message. He had nearly thrown the books back into the library and had been uncharacteristically rude to Sturgis. He had gone into see the General and left subdued.

"Harm, I think you need to go home," said Bud entering his office.

Harm was staring out the window. When he turned around it was obvious that he was near tears but Bud didn't comment on it.

"Sorry Bud, what did you say?" Harm apologised.

"I think you need to go home. You need sleep," Bud said gently.

"I know but …" he began but stopped abruptly.

"But…?" Bud prompted. Harm shook his head. "You're not sleeping, are you?"

"Not really," Harm admitted.

"What about taking something to help you?" Bud suggested.

"No, I don't think it's a good idea."

"It might help."

"Bud, close the door." Bud did so. "Bud, all I want to do is sleep. I don't really want come to work, I don't want to go out, I just want to sleep. I think if I took something that maybe I'd be tempted to have more than I needed…just to stay asleep."

Bud wasn't sure if his friend's comments inferred suicide or not. "Harm?"

"Oh no, Bud, don't look so worried. I didn't mean that the way it sounded."

"Good," Bud said.

"I just feel so…so tired," he said wearily.

Well, instead of the tablets how about something else?" Bud asked.

"Like what? I'll try anything," he replied.

"How about you come and stay with Harriet and me for a while?" he offered.

"Bud, that's very generous of you but I'm sure Harriet doesn't need a house guest," Harm reminded him.

"It will be fine with her. She'd love to have you around," Bud enthused.

"I don't see how staying with you will help me."

"You'll be around people who care and we will make sure you eat properly and sleep properly."

"I don't know," Harm dithered.

"Let's give it a try for a week if it doesn't work then we can look at something else."

Reluctantly Harm conceded he knew he had to do something. For weeks now he had thought about seeing a therapist or someone before things got completely out of hand. Maybe some TLC from the Roberts would be the ticket.

**Monday 1930**

**Roberts Residence**

Although not ideal in its timing, Harriet had responded better than Bud expected when he broke the news to her that afternoon over the phone. She knew Harm, being the independent person he was, would never have agreed to stay with them had he not been feeling so low. She had made the necessary preparations in the guestroom and had even cooked Harm's favourite vegetarian risotto for dinner.

When AJ had come home from school she had explained to the excited little boy that Uncle Harm would be spending a week with them. When pressed for a reason, Harriet had lied and said his apartment was being fumigated. AJ bought this as he had no reason to doubt his own mother and beloved uncle. Harriet then phoned Bud and confessed her lie so they could keep their stories straight. Harm thought the fumigation story was one he could use and he let both the General and Jennifer know of his temporary change in residence and the reason why.

Harm's arrival at the Roberts' was greeted with screams of delight from AJ. He ran to open the door and hugged his uncle legs.

"Uncle Harm, Uncle Harm, I've got a new PSII game, do you want to play it with me?" AJ said breathlessly before Harm even had the chance to step through the door.

"AJ, please give Uncle Harm a chance to come in," Harriet said.

"Oh sorry." AJ stepped aside and Harm walked in carrying a small suitcase, a suit bag, his briefcase and laptop. AJ grabbed the briefcase and ran ahead of Harm up the stairs.

"I'll show you where you are sleeping it's right next to my room." AJ ran ahead, not waiting for anyone. Slowly Harm trudged up the stairs unsure as to whether staying here for a week would make him feel any better at all.

Over dinner the conversation was kept light and easy. Bud asked AJ about school and AJ regaled them with various accounts of playground trials and tribulations. The little boy chatted about a homework assignment he needed to do that week and the perfect score he got on a spelling test that day. By the time AJ had finished the dessert dishes were being cleared away and Harm had said nothing.

He stood to help Harriet with the dishes but she shooed him away explaining that even being so pregnant she was able to put crockery and cutlery into the dishwasher. AJ came charging in and asked Harm again about playing his new PSII game with him. Before he had a chance to reply Bud answered for him.

"AJ, you know the rule about no PSII on school nights, besides it is nearly time for bed, go up and get your pyjamas on please."

"Oh dad," AJ protested but it was to no avail and he eventually went to get changed.

While Bud put the boys to bed, Harriet made tea for herself and Harm and brought it to him in the study.

"Oh, I didn't mean to interrupt your work," she said looking at the files he had taken out of his briefcase.

"You're not Harriet," he said in a sombre tone before replacing the files in the case.

"Harm, I was sorry to hear about the whole Tomlinson thing. He must have been a very confused young man to take his own life."

"He must have been," agreed Harm but took no comfort in it.

"Have you heard from Mac lately?" Harriet asked changing the topic.

"She's emailed me."

"Have you replied?" Harm shrugged his shoulders. "Harm, Mac's been TAD for, how long, nearly four weeks. Have you emailed her or spoken to her in that time?" Harriet asked again, now thinking that part of his current funk might be related to the absence of Mac in his life.

"For the first week or so I replied to most of her emails but after that I didn't do it so much. I just replied to ones that were case specific," he said.

"So, what about in the last two weeks?" Harriet asked, Harm just shook his head. "When is she due back?" Harm shrugged his shoulders, it wasn't that he didn't care he just had no interest in anything, not even in himself.

"The Colonel is due back on the 15th of next month," said Bud coming into the room.

"Oh, that's still five weeks away," said Harriet disappointed. She knew having Mac around would give Harm more support and comfort.

"How's Mattie?" ventured Harriet.

"Fine, I hear," replied Harm playing with his empty teacup.

"Has she settled back into school?" Harriet asked.

"Yeah, Jen says she's doing well. She got a few A's, so things must be good," Harm said, no brightness in his voice as was once there when he spoke of Mattie.

"Does she know you are here, in case she wants to ring you?" asked Bud.

"I'm sure Jen will tell her."

"Harm, when did you last speak to her?" asked Harriet.

"I don't know."

"A week, two weeks?" she prompted.

"Harriet, I don't remember. What difference does it make?"

"Harm, you are cutting yourself off from the people who mean the most to you. You haven't spoken to Mattie or Mac in recent times and I'll take a bet that you haven't spoken to your mom either, right?" she asked.

"Yeah, so?"

"So, we're concerned about you. We care about you and we want to help you through this."

"Look Harriet, Bud, I appreciate what you're doing for me and I know I need help but…" his voice trailed.

"But what?" she said gently.

"I … I just don't know where to begin, how I start to get over this or through this or around this. Hell, I don't even know what this is." He placed the cup back on the table and looked at his friends with tear filled eyes. In all the traumas and tragedies in his life he had never felt this despondent, this sense of nothingness.

Harriet moved next to him and took his hand. She rested her head on his shoulder.

"Harmon Rabb Jr, this is where we begin, right here, right now," she whispered.

"Right here, right now," Bud echoed.

Harm closed his eyes and prayed they were right.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Disclaimer: They are not mine…just playing.**_

_**Author's Notes: Thanks for your support with this one**_

**_--------------------------------Beyond Blue----------------------------------_**

**Thursday 2335**

**Roberts Residence**

By the time Thursday rolled around Harm was feeling no better, but as he told himself the slide into oblivion seemed to have halted. He was still not happy with a lot of things but he had started to see some positives in his life, something which he hadn't been able to do for a long time now.

He knew he would have to move back home over the weekend and to his surprise realised he didn't want to. For all his feelings of loneliness and isolation he had an overwhelming urge to stay with Bud and Harriet, he just didn't know how to bring it up.

"Something on your mind, Harm?" Harriet asked walking into the kitchen and finding Harm sitting at the table in the dark.

"No, not really," he lied.

"Want to try again?" she smiled and sat down opposite him with her bottle of water. Harm said nothing. "Tell me why you were sitting here in the dark by yourself?" she asked.

"I was just thinking," he said quietly.

"About?"

"Stuff."

"What sort of stuff?"

"You know this and that."

"Harm, this conversation will take forever at this rate. What's up?"

"Before I answer that, can I first thank you for everything you have done for me this week?" Harm said.

"You don't need to thank me. You are family, we do for family. Now, answer please."

"Don't hate me but…"

"Harm I could never hate you," Harriet was beginning to worry.

"But…I don't want to go home. I mean I do but not just yet and I…"

"You are more than welcome to stay here, Harm, we won't kick you out," said Harriet standing and coming around the table to him. "You can stay another day or week or month or however long you want too." She wrapped her arms around him and he rested his weary head on her pregnant belly.

Bud came to the door and took in the sight before him. Harriet threw him a smile and he silently backed away. Harriet was obviously having more luck getting through to Harm than he'd been having. He hoped that before long the old Harm would be back – he missed his friend tremendously.

**Wednesday 0530**

**Roberts Kitchen**

Bud was quietly rummaging around the kitchen preparing coffee and toast for himself and his houseguest.

"Morning Harm," he said as the bleary eyed Commander shuffled to the table.

"Mor…ning," Harm croaked.

"You look terrible," Bud said before he could stop himself. "Ah, I mean…"

"I feel …terrible, Bud," he managed before being overcome by a coughing fit.

"Oh, I think you must have picked up Jimmy's cold. I'm sorry."

"It's okay Bud."

"Go back to bed and get some rest. I'll tell the General."

"Thanks Bud but I've got…," he coughed and coughed.

"You've got a cold. You'll be no good at work and you can't go into court like that. So go back to bed."

"Aye, aye Dr Roberts," said Harm before shuffling slowly out the door and back up the stairs to bed.

Bud finished his breakfast and went up to kiss his wife goodbye.

"Was that Harm I heard coughing?" she asked, eyes still closed.

"Yes sweetie, he has a cold so I sent him back to bed. Do you think you can get him to see a doctor today?"

"I'll try." She closed her eyes and drifted back to sleep.

**Tuesday 0830**

**JAG Headquarters**

Harm had not made it into work since last Wednesday and as Harm had told the General on Friday afternoon after his second doctor's appointment in three days he had been given a medical certificate for the entire week. The doctor had been concerned with his fatigue and weight loss, although Harm did not share this information with his Commanding Officer.

Sitting in the conference room for the morning briefing, Bud was surprised to see Mac walk in.

"Colonel, you're back. We weren't expecting you for another two weeks or so,' Bud said.

"I wrapped up early. How are you doing Bud, you look tired?" she said.

"I am Mac, very tired."

"Is it Harriet?" Mac asked concerned, Bud must be tired to call her Mac.

"Harriet, two kids and a house guest that came for a week, got sick and has been there more than over two."

"You poor thing, anyone I know?" asked Mac genuinely.

She noted the strange look Bud threw her but had no further opportunity to talk to him as the General walked in and began the briefing.

"Commander Roberts, can I have an update on when I should expect to see Commander Rabb back?" he asked.

"At this stage, Commander Rabb should be back on deck by next Monday," Bud replied.

"What's wrong with the Commander?" Mac asked concerned.

"Mr Roberts can fill you in later." The General then proceeded with the meeting and Mac was left to wait.

After the meeting Bud headed straight to his office. He knew the Colonel would want answers and he knew that the conference room was not the place for them.

"Bud, Bud," she called after him. He kept walking.

"Commander Roberts?" Darn, he thought, he couldn't ignore that.

"Yes, ma'am?" he asked turning towards her.

"What's going on?"

"Can we speak in my office?" he asked, adding a "please."

Mac walked in and Bud closed the door.

When they were both seated, Bud went for the simple truth.

"Harm's unwell, he's got a cold. He has been off work since last Wednesday and he's not due back this week."

"Ah, ha," said Mac waiting for the rest. "And?" she asked when nothing else was forthcoming.

"And what?"

"You're not telling me the full story, are you?"

"What makes you say that?"

"Firstly, you just called the Commander Harm and you called me Mac earlier, you never do that. Secondly, you seem to know something you are not telling me. Thirdly, you gave me a strange look in the conference room when I asked whether the houseguest was anyone I knew. Now spill."

The knock on the door was a welcomed relief for Bud.

"Yes, Petty Officer?" Bud asked as Jen opened his door.

"Oh, Colonel, I didn't realise you were in here. I can come back later."

"It's okay Petty Officer, what do you need?" Mac said.

"Um, information," she said hesitantly.

"On?"

"On the issue of fumigation," Jen looked from Bud to Mac and back. She knew Harm's apartment had never been fumigated and she wanted to know why there was a cover story. She had let the matter slide for awhile but curiosity had got the better of her and now she wanted to know why the Commander had moved in with the Roberts.

"Oh," Bud's face clouded over.

"Okay, enough, both of you. Petty Officer, sit down," ordered Mac. "Now, from the beginning, what is going on?"

"Well, Commander Rabb moved in with Harriet and me whilst his apartment was being fumigated and then he caught a cold and hasn't gone back yet," Bud explained.

"There's just one thing wrong with that," retorted the Petty Officer. "The Commander's apartment was never fumigated and he was at your place for, like, ten days before he got sick."

"Bud?" asked Mac.

"Look, Petty Officer Coates is right; Harm's apartment was never fumigated. It was just the story we gave," Bud explained.

"Why did you need a story? Why did he move in with you?" asked Mac.

"I can't go into this now," Bud replied fully aware that Harm would not want his personal life discussed in this forum. He looked from Mac to Jen and back. Mac seemed to understand what he was trying not to say.

"But he is okay?" Mac asked to conclude the informal meeting.

"When he gets over this cold, yeah I think so," Bud answered.

That was enough for Mac, for now, she excused herself and suggested the Petty Officer do the same.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Disclaimer: They are not mine…just playing.**_

**-------------------------Beyond Blue----------------------------**

**Later that afternoon**

**Mac's Office**

Bud rapped softly on the door, it had been a fairly quiet day and he had completed his work. He was hoping Mac would be free and they could get away and have coffee and discuss Harm.

"Hi Colonel, working hard?" he asked jokingly, he knew she always worked hard.

"Always Bud, always. What can I do for you?"

"I was hoping you were just about finished and we could head out and get some coffee."

"Why, Bud Roberts, I don't believe you've ever invited me out for coffee. Whatever would Harriet say?" Mac laughed but seeing that Bud didn't react, she immediately changed her tone. "It's Harm, isn't it?"

Bud nodded.

"What's wrong?"

"Not here, Mac. Not here."

Bud looked and sounded so sad Mac felt her stomach sink. She immediately stood and collected her bag and cover and headed out with him.

Within fifteen minutes they were seated at the back table at a local café. Mac decided to give Bud a few moments to collect himself before she asked the hundred and one questions she wanted answers for.

"What's going on, Bud?"

Bud took a deep breath. He wanted her to know everything that had been happening and he knew that Harm wouldn't mind, he'd probably appreciate Bud doing it for him. But he didn't know where to begin or how to phrase it. He didn't want to make things seem worse than they were but he wanted her to understand the gravity of the situation.

"Bud?" He looked up and noticed Mac's tear filled eyes. "Tell me, please."

And so he did. The words coming fluently and confidently from a place he did not know. He told the woman before him of the last few months for their friend and in particular the last few weeks. He told her of his concerns for Harm's mental health and for his physical condition. Then he told her of how and why he had offered Harm a room in his home and how after being there a week Harm didn't feel up to going home.

All the while Mac listened in silence. Bud went onto explain how while Harm had begun to feel somewhat better the onset of the cold had made him feel miserable. Bud also explained that both he and Harriet were concerned over Harm's reluctance to reach out or even to respond to those who cared about him, namely Mattie and Mac herself. Then he sat in silence and awaited her response.

It came in the form of tears and this made Bud uncomfortable.

"Oh, Mac, please don't cry," he said but it had no effect.

"I…I…I didn't know. I mean, before I went away I thought he was a little blue but nothing that serious," Mac said, wiping at her eyes.

"This is beyond blue," Bud said quietly.

Mac nodded feeling badly she had not been there for her best friend when he was in need. "What happens now?" she asked quietly.

"Now, he is seeing a counsellor."

"How did you get him to do that?"

"It was Harriet. She went with him to his appointment last week, when he went for his cold and put him on the spot in front of the doctor," Bud explained.

"He wouldn't have liked that."

"I think he actually appreciated someone intervening on his behalf."

"I'm glad he has such good friends like you," Mac said, as another tear escaped.

"Like you too."

Mac shrugged sadly. "Some friend I've been. I should have known, especially when he stopped replying to my emails. I just thought he was busy and …"

"You're here now and that's all that matters."

"Do you think he'll want to see me?"

"Yeah, I do."

"Are you sure? I mean he's unwell and …"

"Listen Mac, Harm's pretty much over his cold. He has a slight cough but that's it. Any other time he'd be back at work like the rest of us. He just needs time to sort things out and it's better if he has that time in our home than being alone at his own place."

**2015**

**Roberts Residence**

Bud opened his front door and was greeted by his wife looking tired and busy. Jimmy was on one hip and a basket of laundry was on the other.

"Hi there, Sweetie," he said leaning in and kissing her before taking Jimmy from her. His son gurgled at him. "Hi Jimmy," he said kissing his son.

"I know I'm late and I should have called but I met up with a friend and we had to talk."

"That's nice for you but as you can see things have been a bit hectic here. Looks like AJ now has Harm's cold."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Harm's put him to bed and he's up there reading to him now. Anyway, who was your friend?"

"Me," said Mac stepping into the doorway.

"Oh Mac!" exclaimed Harriet dropping her basket and embracing her friend. "I'm so glad you are home. I'm so glad …" she stopped and looked at Bud. "Did you tell her?"

"Yes, sweetie, I told her everything. That's why we were so late."

"Oh, that doesn't matter now. Thank God you're back." She grabbed Mac's arm and led her to the sitting room.

Bud left them to chat and went to get some drinks.

"Can I go up and see them?" he heard Mac ask Harriet as he re-entered the room.

Harriet looked at Bud and then at Mac. "Yes, sure, go on up."

Mac quietly made her way up the stairs and quietly stood at the door of AJ's bedroom. She listened to Harm reading A. A. Milne's "When We Were Young". She watched AJ's eyes get heavier and heavier and very soon he was asleep but Harm kept on reading. When he finished the book he closed it softly and placed it on the bedside table. He looked up and saw Mac in the doorway. At first he blinked a few times, she wasn't due back for another few weeks.

"Hi Flyboy," she whispered not wanting to wake up the sleeping child.

"Hi," he replied but didn't move. She stood there a while longer before he said anything. "You're back early."

"I worked fast and wrapped things up quicker than expected."

"Oh." He still didn't move.

"Do you want to come out and talk to me?" she asked quietly looking at AJ.

To her surprise he nodded and got up and walked to her. She took him in an embrace and led him to his bedroom. She sat down on the bed while Harm stood leaning on the chest of drawers. He began to talk but he was so quiet she had to strain to catch what he was saying. "Harm," she interrupted. "Come and sit with me." He agreed and she was then able to take in everything he was saying.

Harm spoke openly and freely, something she hadn't expected, but he told her nothing Bud hadn't, although she never let him know this. As he spoke she listened quietly and at one stage put her arm around his shoulders. He was in so much pain that it was tangible. She wanted to take away all the misery she had caused him. Although he had never blamed her she knew she had hurt him more deeply than she had ever realised. Not just Paraguay and Webb but her lack of support when he had resigned his commission, not waiting for him in Sydney and then going off with Brumby. She hadn't comforted him when Sergei left or after the Singer accusations. And then while he had his hopes pinned on her being the mother of his children, when this proved unlikely she was so caught up in her own pain that she missed his. When he finished speaking he wiped away her tears, none falling from his eyes, he was past crying.

"Harm, I don't know what to say. I'm so sorry that I … that I…" she began to sob yet Harm made no move to comfort her. So they sat in the darkness whilst Mac sobbed quietly.

"Sorry to interrupt," said Harriet from the doorway. "But you both need to eat."

"Oh Harriet, thanks but I'm not hungry," replied Mac wiping away her tears.

"Me either," answered Harm.

"Well, I've been in the kitchen for hours cooking and I say you are both eating so get yourselves down there now and that's an order," said Harriet before waddling back downstairs.

"You actually ordered them?" said Bud is disbelief as Harriet repeated her dinner invitation story.

"Yes, I did."

"But you can't order them."

"Yes I can. It's my house and anyway it's doctor's orders. Harm needs to eat properly whether he wants to or not and I bet Mac hasn't eaten all day."

"Fair enough," said Bud, Harriet was right.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Disclaimer: They are not mine…just playing.**_

_**Thanks Kathy!**_

**-------------------------Beyond Blue----------------------------**

When Harm and Mac came into the kitchen it was evident to all she had been crying but no comment was made. Harm ate most of his meal whilst Mac ate very little, pushing food around her plate. For a marine with an appetite that was often the base of many Harm jokes this was an uncommon occurrence but no comment was made. When the dishes were cleared Mac gave her thanks to Harriet for her hospitality and made excuses for her necessary departure. Bud knew her pretence of an early briefing was a lie but made no comment.

She said her goodbyes and saw herself to the door. In the solitude of her car she gave way to the pain inside her and sobbed loudly. She held onto the steering wheel for support as the sobs violently wracked her body. She wanted to scream but no voice came to her throat.

Bud was aware something was not quite right as he had not heard her car pull away. He went to the window and pulled back the curtain. He saw Mac and knew she had to grieve this situation just as he and Harriet had done. He drew the curtain as Harriet approached. "What were you looking at, honey?"

His first thought was to lie but he couldn't. He pulled the curtain again and revealed the distressing scene before dropping the curtain.

"And you were just going to leave her? Oh, Bud."

Harriet made her way to the door but Harm stopped her. He had caused this and he would try and make it better.

He quietly went to her corvette and opened the driver's door. Whilst she hadn't expected him she wasn't startled, she was too upset to feel any other emotion. He knelt beside the open door and put his arms around her.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry," was all she kept repeating into his chest.

When her sobs had eased to a few sniffles he released her and stood up. He took her hand and helped her out of the car; she was in no state to drive anywhere. He led her up to the porch and they sat on the bench.

"What do you have to be so sorry for?" Harm asked holding her hand in his.

"You have been in so much pain and I contributed so much to it. If I…if I..." She took a deep breath. "I have been so caught up in my life and you have always been there for me, even after I have treated you badly. I mean you have every reason to hate me and you have always continued to be there and yet…and yet when you need someone I don't…I don't…even realise it and…and…" She stopped but he didn't argue the point. He had been there for her over the years regardless of what she had or hadn't done. Now, in what felt like his darkest period it seemed she was nowhere to be seen. He knew it wasn't her fault this time, he had been keeping up a good front where she was concerned nearly until the day she went on assignment. She had no choice in her TAD and he had not communicated with her in her absence, not about anything that mattered anyway. She wasn't really to know how desolate things had gotten.

"How were you to know? I mean I didn't let you in. I didn't ask for your help. I didn't…"

"I should have known. I consider you to be my best friend," she said, looking at him through red rimmed eyes. "I should have been there for you."

"Well, you're here now," he said and pulled her towards him. In the cold, still night they sat in each others arms until Bud came out to get them.

"Guys, it's nearly midnight and it's so cold out there. Come on in, you don't want to get that cold back Harm."

Mac stood at once, she didn't want Harm to get sick again, one problem at a time was enough. She took his hand and pulled him up.

"Go inside and get some sleep," she said before kissing his cheek and stepping away.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"Home."

"Don't. Please stay with me," he asked quietly. "I want…I need you to stay."

Mac readily agreed and by the time the mantel clock struck midnight she was laying next to him in his bed, her head resting on his chest, his arm around her, her arm across him. There was nothing sexual about it. It was about comfort and Harm's need to be with the one person who knew him better than himself. He closed his eyes and smiled, she had only been back a few hours and yet he felt better than he had in a long time. He drifted off to sleep and slept peacefully and deeply, something else that had not happened in a long time.

**Wednesday 1045**

**Mac's Office**

Mac put down the receiver and smiled to herself. She had just spoken to Harriet and Harm hadn't long been up. She had said he looked well rested and happier than he had since he moved in. Harriet had even thanked Mac for staying and invited her to stay again. Then she thought better of it and asked Mac to come to dinner and see if Harm wanted her to stay again.

"Penny for your thoughts, Mac," said Sturgis from the doorway.

"Not even for a dollar," she smiled at him. "What can I do for you?"

"Some information, if you can."

"If I can."

"What can you tell me about our Commander who is missing in action?"

"Our Commander?"

"Harm! What's going on with him?"

"He's been sick."

"And…?"

"And…he should be back next week."

"So what aren't you telling me?"

Mac sat and contemplated her words. Harm didn't need his problems known at the office and while it was true that Sturgis was a long time friend and not just a colleague she wasn't sure.

"Mac, I know Harm hasn't been …Harm for a while now. I've spoken to him a couple of times about it in the last three months but he kept fobbing me off. I even arranged for dad to speak to him by "accidentally" running into him here one night about a month ago. Dad never told me what they spoke about but I got the feeling he was quite concerned. Then he moved into Bud and Harriet's on the pretence of having his apartment fumigated and now he is off sick for a week and a half with a cold. What gives?"

"He has had a cold," said Mac in Harm's defence.

"Mac?"

"Harm hasn't been too happy with the way things have been going in his life lately. He …he…"

"He's depressed, isn't he?"

"Yeah," Mac said sadly.

"What can we do?"

"Be there for him. Don't give up on him. Keep…"

"Keep? Keep loving him?"

"Yeah."

**2130**

**Roberts Residence**

When Mac finally arrived at the Roberts house she met Sturgis on his way out.

"I just called by to say hello to the patient," he smiled as they stopped on the driveway. "And I ate your dinner," he added.

"How was it?" she asked.

"Beautiful! Roast lamb, potatoes…"

"I meant with Harm."

"I know. It went alright, he seemed happy enough to see me. We talked about things in general, nothing too specific and he even laughed at a joke I told."

"He must be feeling better because I've heard your jokes and they aren't that funny."

"Gee, thanks Mac," said Sturgis feigning offence.

Mac let herself into the house and found her friends still sitting in the kitchen.

"Hi there, I hope you don't mind me letting myself in. I know it's late."

"You are more than welcome here anytime day or night," Harriet answered. Mac eyes remained on Harm, he smiled and she felt better.

"Have you eaten?" Bud asked standing from the table.

"No, but it's alright. Sturgis told me he ate my dinner."

"He did no such thing, Mac. I kept yours safe from the hungry hoards," laughed Harriet as she removed Mac's plate from the oven.

Both she and Bud excused themselves and left their friends to chat quietly in the kitchen.

--------------------------------------------------------------

_**One chapter to go**_


	6. Chapter 6

_**Disclaimer: They are not mine…just playing. **_

_**Song's not mine either.**_

**-------------------------Beyond Blue----------------------------**

**Saturday 0735**

**Roberts Residence**

Mac had spent Thursday and Friday nights sleeping alongside Harm but due to her late arrivals and early morning departures she had not got to see either of her godsons awake. She knew that would happen today as she had nowhere else she had to or wanted to be.

She opened her eyes and tried to stretch without waking Harm. He was sleeping right behind her, his arm around her waist, her head resting under his chin. She knew she felt better being here with him and hoped he felt the same way. Mac smiled as she heard the sound of little footsteps in the hallway stop outside the door. Slowly she saw the doorknob turn and the door being eased open.

"Hi there AJ," she said quietly when she spied his little face peeking through the crack. "You can come in; you just have to be quiet. We don't want to wake Uncle Harm."

AJ crept into the bed and gave Mac a big hug.

"I've missed you Aunty Mac," he whispered loudly.

"I've missed you too, honey. What have you been up to?" AJ nestled down next to her and she pulled the covers over him.

"I've been looking after Uncle Harm for you. He hasn't been well," the boy reported.

"I know, he had a cold but it seems to be getting better. You must have done a good job," Mac said, tussling his hair.

"It wasn't just a…" AJ stopped himself.

"It wasn't just what, AJ?"

"Promise you won't tell?"

"I promise I'll do what's right."

"Okay, I was going to say it wasn't just a cold. It was…it was…" AJ stopped, unsure of what exactly it was.

"What was it, AJ?" Mac prompted gently.

"Uncle Harm wasn't very happy. He tried to be and he still played with me and stuff but he wasn't happy."

"What makes you say that?" Mac asked and then realised Harm was awake behind her. She reached down and patted his hand that was still resting on her stomach. "AJ?"

"Dad was the same way after he had his accident. He tried to be happy but his eyes were sad, always looking at something I couldn't see. Uncle Harm was the same way when he first came to stay."

"And now?"

"Uncle Harm's eyes aren't so sad. Sometimes, not all the time, he looks, well, not happy but …well, more like Uncle Harm."

Mac pulled the child closer to her and kissed his head, Harm pulled Mac closer and kissed hers.

Harm reached out and tickled AJ's stomach and the quiet of the early morning was shattered by the delightful shrieks of a child's laughter. Harriet came to the door to investigate the noise and was surprised, but delighted, to see her son and her two friends so happy.

"AJ," she called, "you shouldn't have come in here."

"He's fine, Harriet," said Harm smiling broadly then grabbing the child and burying him under a pile of blankets.

"He's fine, just what was needed I think," said Mac quietly to her friend before the big boy and little boy ganged up on her tickling her until, very un-marine-like, she begged for mercy.

Harriet left them to it and went back to bed.

After nearly an hour of roughhousing, stories, jokes and tickling, AJ lay down between his favourite aunt and uncle and closed his eyes. Harm looked at Mac and smiled as he saw her bend down to kiss AJ's forehead. Then the realisation dawned on him, this was his life. He had the woman he loved alongside him and regardless of what had been said and done beforehand she wasn't going anywhere. If he stopped dwelling on what he had lost and focused on what he had then perhaps he could start moving forward. He may never have a child with Mac but the reality was they had beautiful godsons who could fill that void.

Then things started gaining perspective. His brother may have moved back to Russia but he had gone home, he hadn't abandoned Harm and Harm had no reason to think he had. After all, Sergei emailed or phoned him at every possible chance. Things in Paraguay hadn't gone his way but then things in Sydney hadn't gone Mac's. It had been his decision to resign his commission and whilst he wished things had gone differently they hadn't and there was nothing he could do about that.

Mac looked up at him and saw the tears rolling down his cheeks.

"Harm, what's wrong?" she whispered.

"Nothing anymore," he replied softly. He knew he would have to continue his sessions with the counsellor and work through many issues but finally he felt like living again.

"What?" Mac asked not understanding.

"Do you mind if I don't ask you to sleep here with me tonight?"

"No, I won't mind. Why?" she lied, she wanted to sleep next to him every night for the rest of her life.

"I want to go home."

"Oh, that's good; it means you're feeling better."

"I know. Come with me?"

"Of course," she closed her eyes and smiled as Harm kissed her forehead. The both settled further into the bed and a comfortable silence surrounded them.

Feeling brave, Harm whispered, "I love you Sarah," so quietly he doubted she could hear him. He was wrong, her eyes stayed shut but just as quietly she replied, "I love you too, Harm."

"Whoo hoo!" AJ shouted jumping up with delight. He knew what he had just heard was what his mom had wanted for so very long. He jumped off the bed and ran shouting into the kitchen.

"They love each other, they love each other!" His calls echoed through the house.

Mac pulled Harm closer to her and gently kissed his lips. His heart began to beat again.

**Later that morning.**

Harm had gathered and packed his belongings, his week's stay had stretched out nearly three weeks. Three weeks he would be eternally grateful for. He had come to terms with many things in his life and had just taken the biggest gamble by declaring his love for Mac. True, he hadn't expected her to hear but he wasn't sorry she did, especially given her response.

Engrossed in his own thoughts he didn't hear Harriet come in and was startled when she spoke to him.

"Oh, I'm sorry Harm I didn't mean to surprise you. I did knock."

"That's okay Harriet; I guess I was caught up in …well, caught up."

"I heard. In fact the way AJ was shouting I'm sure the whole neighbourhood heard. I am very happy for you both."

"Thanks," he said sitting down on the edge of the bed. "Harriet, I don't know how I say thank you to you for everything you have done for me. I mean you are nearly eight months pregnant with twins and I lob on your doorstep, practically uninvited and then don't go home."

Harriet smiled and went to hug him. He put his arms around her vastly expanded waist and rested his head once again on her belly.

"Hey," called Bud from the door, "should I be getting worried about you two?"

They all laughed.

"Bud, I'm glad you're here. I was just thanking your beautiful wife for the last…well, for everything. I want to thank you too. I honestly don't know what I would have done that Monday if you hadn't asked me to stay. If I can ever …"

"Harm, before you finish that sentence, just think about all the times you have been there for Harriet and me. There have, unfortunately, been a few too many times when we were in pain and you were there, without question, without being asked. You allow us to lean on you all the time but this is probably the first time you have really allowed us to be there for you. I don't want to be all mushy but I do consider you to be my brother. I do love you like one. You have been one of the biggest influences on my career and on the man I am and I am so very thankful for the day you came into my, our lives." Bud spoke in such a confident manner because it came from the heart.

"We don't expect you to go home and for everything to be perfect for you," Harriet said. "It will take time for things to fall back into place and we want you to remember that we are always, ALWAYS, here for you. We want you to share our good and bad times and we do expect to share yours. We are your friends, we love you." She handed him an envelope and he pulled out the card with a puppy on the front. Inside were the lyrics that reflected Harriet and Bud's words.

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain  
We all have sorrow  
But if we are wise  
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong  
And I'll be your friend  
I'll help you carry on  
For it won't be long  
"Til I'm gonna need  
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride  
If I have things you need to borrow  
For no one can fill those of your needs  
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong  
And I'll be your friend  
I'll help you carry on  
For it won't be long  
"Til I'm gonna need  
Somebody to lean on

If there is a load you have to bear  
That you can't carry  
I'm right up the road  
I'll share your load  
If you just call me

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand  
We all need somebody to lean on  
I just might have a problem that you'd understand  
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong  
And I'll be your friend  
I'll help you carry on  
For it won't be long  
Till I'm gonna need  
Somebody to lean on

"Do you understand?" Harriet asked.

"Yeah, I do." He looked up and saw Mac in the doorway with AJ by her side and baby Jimmy in her arms. A month ago he felt he had nothing, no one, he had forgotten just how many people he loved and who loved him back. He vowed never to forget it again.

The End

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_**As a final request, from me to you, **_

_**If you do suffer from depression, or any illness, I encourage you to seek assistance from your doctor, family & friends or from an organisation like Beyond Blue. There are avenues of assistance out there.**_

_**Love Nettie**_


End file.
